I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
