Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
