yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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