so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
