'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
