M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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