fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Found your dick twin last night
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
