I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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