My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
