Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
