Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize