Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Randomize