I think my fart just growled at me.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Another day, another engagement, another cat
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
