i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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