TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize