why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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