Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
