once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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