wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
