Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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