if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
