You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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