I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
