my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
