The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
