Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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