All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
