So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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