Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
