Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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