one word: firstdatebathroomanal
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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