its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
