i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
