found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
