i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
