Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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