I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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