I think my vagina is haunted
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
