first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
accomplished twins. life is a go
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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