I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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