How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
