Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
