everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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