If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
