I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
