if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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