the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
