EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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