yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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