listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
