peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
