I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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