Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
