My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
