I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
