genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
