Cold hands, warm shart.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
